fileg (fileg) wrote,

not my finest hour

I let the writing wait today, which may have been a mistake. I need to connect - and I feel lost. Do we have a challenge running anywhere? Kick start me, one of you. I hate this. And why why why when I have an afternoon to answer old mail/comments, sort out a list of things I want to write for and drabble a little (which usually calms me) I get the comcast/lj/server whammy and every smallest ting takes forever? It took me almost an hour to post one comment this afternoon.... and then it suddenly posted in multiple copies.

Pigs is really really bad tonight. I didn't expect her to make it through the day, but she just refuses to let go, and who am I to deny her? Though, honestly, if it was not 4 am I would take her to the vet and let him ease her over, because I have watched animals go in my time, but this is horrible, even though I am not really emotionally attached to her.

Jim's mom is being operated on tomorrow, and has herself worked into a frenzy. I asked him if he wanted to go tonight, and he did the worst possible thing he could have done - he told me he is planning on going tomorrow afternoon, and since it's a weekday he wants me to go with him. And if that's what he needs, then I have to go.

(I don't know if you guys understand what this trip does to me - it has set off every agoraphobic symptom I thought I had control of. This is not about losing a day, making a trip - this is the monster under the bed, this is the thing that turns my insides to water. This is what they have waiting for me in room 101.)

And then, of course, I had to have the worlds slowest connection all day, when it would have helped to throw myself into something here or at hasa, It is giving me way too much time to think.

Still, I did get some laundry done, finished the huge project of moving the dvd's into albums and clearing out packaging, and we moved the server stuff around (though I am wondering if that has something to do with the slowness of the connection all day)

And, for the moment, Pigs is sleeping instead of struggling. So I suppose it could be worse.

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