I belong to a small group of lunatics who got together, one friend at a time, to from a list which answers a silly question every week. I first got involved through Lee, when he sent me the answers the first time this theme appeared. As with all such things, this list varies in quality, humor and involvement need to get all the in-jokes, but Lee's pic at the bottom prompted me to share.
WHAT WILL BE THE BIGGEST SURPRISE IN THE RETURN OF THE KING?
The Witch-King of Angmar is played by that old lady from those Wendy's commercials. "Where's the Ring? Where's the Ring?"
Elvis is everywhere! Elvis is everything, Elvis is back from Mordor, the return of the King!
Dobby tries to stop Frodo from going to Mount Doom. "It is for your own good, sir; Master Frodo is in great danger..."
"No! Not... the comfy chair!"
In a haunting Black and white battle scene the Witch-King of Ingmar plays a mean game of existential chess with Max Von Sydow.
There never was a threat to Middle Earth. Ashton Kutcher comes out from behind the big red eye with a film crew and tells Frodo, "Dude, you've been punk'd!" Frodo, maddened by the ring's power, tries to tear off Ashton's underpants. And who can blame him?
The Witch King of Angmar is mounted on a giant... kitten. Damn budget cuts.
In an effort to lure in new viewers, Fox has arranged to have the entire movie replaced with two back-to-back episodes of "The OC".
I was definitely impressed by the scene where Gandalf fights 52 identical copies of Saruman. He knows kung fu!
Not only is it worse than the first movie, it's worse than the second movie! Um, we are talking about "The Matrix Revolutions", right?
The bulldozers. Definitely the bulldozers.
When Aragorn makes a top-secret trip to Mordor for Thanksgiving, and even the secret service don't know about it!
When Legolas grows that crazy ZZ Top beard, and insists that it's "cool".
The One Ring is made out of people! It's made out of people!
Mysterious additional hobbit named "Oscar"
With a run-time of 56 minutes, this is easily the shortest release from any major studio this year.
You can return your King at Macy's. But only with a receipt, and only for store credit.
Insert your own Michael Jackson joke here.
When, just prior to the armies of Middle Earth meeting the armies of Mordor on the field of battle, Scotland Yard shows up to arrest both Sauron and Aragorn.
Mouth of Sauron played by Stephen King. No other Kings to appear.
PETA starts protesting the use of Oliphaunts in warfare.
You die. She dies. Everybody dies.
Whaddaya expect in an opera? A happy ending?
Sauron given the sacred Visine at last.
The preview of the new Lifetime Movie: The Silmarillion and the lives it has touched.
W. takes ring from Hobbits in a preemptive action called "Operation Mom
and Apple Pie". W. has every confidence that he'll be VP next year on the Sauron - Bush ticket.
Renowned author William Goldman (The Princess Bride, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid) declined to replace ailing director Peter Jackson saying "Dammit Jim, I'm a script-doctor, not a director".
Silly Melchior got lost on his way home from the stable. Hopes he isn't too late...
Witch-king of Angmar hangs in the air exactly the same way bricks don't.
Saruman is revealed to be a spiritual leader of a Middle Eastern terrorist group.
I dunno; having read those diaries, shouldn't this have been called "Return of the Queen" instead?
Legolas is ambushed and decapitated by Leo DiCaprio, who screams, "There can be only one!" He then taunts the others to "catch him if they can."
Osama's bin hidin' in Shelob's cave.
Like, at the end of the movie, after everybody is supposedly dead? Well, Frodo wakes up in his bed in Hobbiton to find that it had all been a dream! A dream!!
Invention of Chicken ala King!
Eowyn's Sauron costume VERY convincing.
Expect the unexpected when director Peter Jackson takes a 20 million dollar payday and foregoes the usual King. He recrowns King Kong instead!
Somehow Pepsi sponsors a Mariah Carrey appearance as a Nazghul and it works.
Sauron is crushed beneath a burning helicopter.
The same thing that was a surprise in the first two movie - that Sean Austin CAN act!
The once the story ends, the other hour and a half will be taken up with Peter Jackson standing at a whiteboard explaining the proper pronounciation of Elvish words.
The marketing tie-in "Lord of the Onion Rings: Return at Burgur King."
Eowyn starts a drag revue.
Hobbit weed for everyone!
The green ones make Gollum horny
I was surprised to learn that the good guys win.
it's gollum, not frodo, who ultimately destroys the one ring in the fires of mount doom
Smeagol is actually Frodo's father and the ring wraiths used to be the "merry men"
Shelob's distressing resemblance to the Black Beast of Aaaugh...
Frodo, Sam and Gollum conquer Mount Doom thanx to the eleven different kinds of apples in Powersauce!
When Neo throws Smith into the Cracks of Doom.
Gollum certainly surprises Frodo at the end.
* And from the disturbing mind of Lee Moyer…*
In order to prove his worthiness to ascend the throne, Aragorn will be sorely tested. He must assume the hairstyle of the last King - Don King!
Our own Neal Gamache recently brought the following story to our attention:
For those of you who fear the news, the title is "Bush Team Searches For Big Idea". Apparently, the president is trying to come up with something big to serve as a focus for the final year of his campaign. Naturally, we're sure you have a few good suggestions. So, in an effort to help President Bush, we want to know:
WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA?